


Headaches

by LaraWrites



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Study, Parent-Child Relationship, Spoilers, Villains
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-07-29 20:33:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaraWrites/pseuds/LaraWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A character study of Regina- looking into her her thoughts throughout different episodes and delving into scenes played out onscreen and offscreen. I will update tags as I go along to include relationships and possible changes in age rating. Regina's thoughts and feelings stretching from Season 1 to Season 6</p><p>The whole situation was now way out of hand. It was affecting her far too much. Miss Swan was getting closer to Henry and the boy was slowly slipping through her fingers. That was it; Regina knew something had to be done. If she wanted to keep an eye on Henry- hell, if she wanted to keep him at all- then she needed to come up with a solution now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Season 1, Episode 21

 

She awoke and sat straight upright, trying to shake off the feeling of entrapment and rid her memory of the glares so full of hatred that were still fresh in her mind.

It wasn’t her first nightmare, not by any means. In fact, they had become quite frequent since the appearance of Emma Swan. It was almost normal for her now, to wake up suddenly with fear in her heart and the feeling that she was being suffocated. She had even established a post-nightmare routine; check she hadn’t woken Henry, make herself a cup of hot cocoa, fill up a hot water bottle and attempt to sleep once again. She usually found slumber never reclaimed her- or rather she found herself avoiding it, particular when the nightmares were nasty enough to remain imprinted in the fore of her mind. She found herself analysing scenes from her dreams, replaying them moment by moment despite her attempts to forget. They flooded her, filling her veins with dread and fear that she hadn’t felt for a very, very long time. Not since long before Henry.

Henry! She remembered him in her dream now, his treachery. He normally betrayed her in her dreams, telling her sometimes quite explicitly how he preferred his birth mother, how miserable he was with her, how (and this was the worst) she was a terrible mother. His words were brought back to her; _you did this to yourself_. He was right, of course he was. She had cast the curse, and it was by her failure that it was starting to crack. Pretty soon it would be broken and the town would come after her, just like in her nightmare. And it was only her own fault.

No.

No- she had worked for this. She had meticulously designed this town to give her an edge; to put herself on top for once. Since then she had worked day in day out to maintain it. She had gone to great lengths to uphold the high standards she had instilled in the town when she created it; she had even dug from beyond the budget into her own pocket. She had worked like a slave when they had first arrived to integrate the town into the normal society this peculiar world presented, and in her later years here she had juggled her mayoral duties with mothercare. She had fought, tooth and nail, to regain the power she had lost at the hands of that obsequious school teacher.

Even Snow- Mary Margaret- had to admit, she was an excellent ruler. Whether it be over a kingdom or a small town, Regina’s quick and organised mind was perfect at governing. Perhaps she didn’t have the support of the people, but she had protected them from rain and fire. She had prevented outlaws and thieves from ravaging the towns back in the enchanted forest, and here she had prevented them all from going bankrupt several times. She had earned this position, this town, this life.

But had she earned the people’s hatred?

Perhaps… perhaps if the curse was broken they may not see things her way.

She rose from her bed with a sigh, trying to stop herself from trembling like a child as she went to check on her son. _Her_ son. There he was, curled up in his bed, so entangled in the sheets she couldn’t even see him, just a jumble of bedsheets. She would’ve smiled with relief if the dream wasn’t still troubling her. Would Henry be able to betray her as easily as he seemed to in all her nightmares? He had once before- had stolen a credit card and run off on his own to find his birth mother. She still keens with worry when she thinks about him travelling to Boston all on his own- the harm he may have come to! She remembered his bitter words when he had been returned to her, safe and sound. It might have been because of her harsh words to him before he had left.

She knew she was hard on him- sometimes a little too hard. She was hard on herself too; Regina strived for perfection in everything she did. Motherly instinct was quite new to her, and perhaps not as natural as her many parenting books would suggest it should be. Archie told her she should lose the books and trust herself, but how could she? If she followed her own instinct she could end up like her mother, and that was the last thing she wanted.  So she studied books and forums and magazines and everything and anything else she could think of. She wanted to be the best mother she could be, but ever since Miss Swan had come to Storybrook she couldn’t help but feel like the worst.

She had realised that her reaction to Emma was rubbing off onto their son. Regina was naturally irritable and impatient, and having Miss Swan around was only making her worse. Though she didn’t want to admit it, she suspected that a small part of her blamed Henry for his birth mother’s return, or perhaps it was the stress of being unable to drive her away, but Regina was not her usual self and it was showing in her parenting. She could tell she was becoming much too possessive with Henry, and yet she couldn’t seem to stop herself. She wouldn’t let him out as much, just in case he was out with _her_. She was much stricter these days about his homework, his manners, everything. She was becoming even more starch and snappy, and she was so afraid her son was beginning to hate her for it. She was so afraid of being a terrible mother, she was becoming one.

Still, she wouldn’t let herself wake him up with her nightmares. With no magic to help her, she had taken to stuffing towels and blankets under her door to ensure she didn’t wake him if she cried out in her sleep. Occasionally, Graham slept over and if he was there when her dreams turned sour he would wake her up a little gruffly. Once, he even dared to look at her with concern in his eyes and ask her if she was okay. She had dismissed him so harshly he hadn’t asked since.

Safe in the knowledge her son was sleeping soundly, Regina closed the door behind her as softly as she could and padded down the stairs. She had left her slippers in her room, but she couldn’t find it in her to turn back. It was a cool clear night and the kitchen tiles chilled her bare feet, but she did her best to ignore the cold as she turned on the kettle and began to pot around, keeping as quiet as she could. She tried to keep the dream out of her mind as she made her drink, but try as she might she couldn’t shake off the feeling of Emma’s hand around her throat. The cried and taunts of her townspeople were still ringing in her ears. When she dropped a spoon she was so startled she had to pause to catch her breath.

The whole situation was now way out of hand. It was affecting her far too much. Miss Swan was getting closer to Henry and the boy was slowly slipping through her fingers. That was it; Regina knew something had to be done. If she wanted to keep an eye on Henry- hell, if she wanted to keep him at all- then she needed to come up with a solution _now_. No more plotting and scheming on slow-burning plans that were often fruitless and just left her in hot water with her son. This required a permanent and fast solution.

And she knew the only place she was going to get it.

She loathed visiting Gold; even more so since he had come clean about his knowledge of the curse and their past. He was crude and abrupt and was the only person in town who was more formidable than her. He was the only person that would dare cheek her, or humiliate her, and she despised him for it. She always had. And somehow he seemed to thrive on her displeasure. He took great joy in ridiculing her, making her blood boil. Without magic she thought he would lose all his authority; his haughty air of enigma that made him so dangerous back home in the enchanted forest. But, far from that, he had become even more precarious here.

But when the going got tough the tough got going to Rumplestiltskin, and despite the lack of magic nothing seemed to change for her here. Once a pupil always a pupil, she found that she returned to him time and time again after hitting a dead end. She hated it and he loved her exasperation, indeed, he seemed to thrive on it. Which made her hate him more.

She sipped the drink from her mug slowly, staring off into the distance, lost in her thoughts. She wandered over to the kitchen window and pulled up the blinds so she could see out into her garden. She hadn’t checked the time when she had woken from her nightmare, but now she could see hints of light blue off into the east, and realised the sun was on its way. In an hour or so it would be creeping out from across the distant hills, and an hour or so after that she would have to get up to prepare for a day in the office. With a resigned sigh she decided it would be completely pointless to try for sleep again, she would spend the few hours she could grab tossing and turning, and once the sun was up she knew there was no chance of her relapsing into the bliss of a deep sleep. Stifling a yawn, she finished her drink and placed the mug in the sink, turning on the hot tap as the glanced at the few glasses she had not washed the night before. She would wash them all first, dry them and put them away. She began to meticulously plan the morning ahead, keeping herself busy constantly so she didn’t have a chance to ponder upon her dark dream.

So she didn’t have a chance to consider that it might become true very soon

 

* * *

 

 

She was seething. Gold _knew_ Emma would break her curse. She had suspicions that he had known long, long ago; perhaps even when he was designing the useless thing. She hit the steering wheel of her car in anger, careful not to hit the horn and cause a fuss. Of course- that’s why he had planned it with such an integral weakness. He had planned for her curse to be broken all along; she was nothing more than a pawn in his grand plan to whatever it was he wanted. The Evil Queen longed to discover what it was her mentor was so attached to. She longed to discover this secret and destroy it.

But Regina knew better. She knew in a fight between her and Gold, Gold would win. Be it brains or brawn, her old teacher always had the upper hand. If she directly made him her enemy, she would be in trouble, and she knew it. She needed to think of something else. She needed to focus on the main problem in question; Emma. The curse.

How could she dispose of Emma without killing her? Her solution would need to ensure the woman was out of her and her son’s life completely. And this time, Regina wasn’t taking any chances. No loopholes, no twenty eight years, no traitorous and unhappy sons (another pang of pain and guilt). She needed a solid, fool proof plan, and she needed it fast.

Perhaps it was the year she had spent out of the enchanted forest, but the answer didn’t immediately present itself to her. Had this been twenty eight years before, before a quaint little town under her protection and before a spring in her step and a son in her heart, this option would have thrown itself at her as soon as the problem had arisen. As it was, when inspiration hit her, she dismissed it almost instantly. This was a land without magic, and a magical solution was impractical and, moreover, impossible.

Unless

Unless she could harvest some magic from the other side.

Unless she could do one last trip.

Jefferson would take her, she knew he would. While she had never had much luck influencing Gold, Jefferson was easy to twist around her little finger. At first it had been the guilt from his part played in her losing hope (yes, she knew about that. He had told her in a low moment, and she had ‘forgiven’ him, her hatred for Rumplestiltskin growing stronger) then it had been the sex, then her power over him and his daughter. Jefferson was as manipulable as she was manipulating, and it had suited her quite well.

Had, and will.

She knew her postcard would both interest and infuriate him, and it was that thought that made her chuckle as she placed it on the young girls bicycle. She had initially considered actually writing instructions on the flipside, but decided against it in the end. For starters, she was positive Jefferson would know who it was from, and would waste no time in coming to apprehend her. Moreover, she didn’t want anyone (In particular someone with a shrewd eye for the peculiar, and a master at coded messages) to discover she was sending informal meet-up messages to one of her subjects. There had been some near misses with Graham, and she didn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.

She turned with a small smile on her face and began to walk back to her office, her hands in her pockets, her smile growing crueller as the thought of the Hatter stumbling upon her little joke.  
“You look happy Madame Mayor. What, have you just drowned some puppies or something?” Emma Swan was getting cruder, she noticed, and that meant she was losing her patience. Regina was determined not to show her she was losing hers too. Instead her quick mind worked to conjure a witty reply as she looked up and attempted to smile at the blonde.  
“Another day off, Sheriff? It’s nice to see the tax payers dollars are being put to good use,” Emma rolled her eyes and Regina felt a small triumph. “Although it’s nice to see you’re not dragging around my son, for once. Especially during school hours,” She could tell that Emma was about to blow, and it allowed a real and natural smile to show itself on her lips. Emma ground her teeth and Regina could almost hear her choosing her words carefully. Emma was not as quick-witted as she was, and didn’t fare so well in their verbal sparring matches.

“Maybe it’s because he enjoys my company more?  Much better for him than say… discussing the city budget?” Regina frowned. Emma made it sound so dull, and it wasn’t like that at all.

_She was budgeting the town’s various accounts when a small noise of triumph made her look up. Henry was playing his video games on the couch in front of her, and he had clearly just won the race he had been partaking in. Initially she frowned; she was quite strict with the amount of time he spent on his various consoles and she had to stop herself from calling out to ask him if he had finished his homework. Then she allowed herself to smile at his small victory. Occasionally, when he selected a game she understood, she would play with him. She would sit by his side and (In times long gone) let him win, or more recently, contain her surprise when he easily beat her. But she hadn’t played with him in a very long time, not since… since Emma showed up. She had just been so busy, through one thing or another, that her hands were too full to play games._

_She sat back in her chair and tapped her pencil against the corner of her mouth, considering her son. Was she neglecting him? Was her need to drive Emma out of town affecting her feelings toward him? She had noticed ever since the unwanted arrival of Henry’s birth mother, the boy had become more and more hostile towards his real parent. She couldn’t understand it; he was too young to be having any form of teenage mood swing, and yet one minute he loved her and the next he seemed to hate her. It was enough to make her want to cry._

_In the next moment she had decided she had better put more effort into rekindling her relationship with her estranged son, but with a small frown she returned her attention to her work. The accounts had to be sorted by tomorrow morning, their documents ready to file and fax away. It would be incredibly irresponsible to ignore them now and play video games. She was too dedicated to her job to do something so sloppy. Then she had an idea._

_Ever since Henry was old enough to understand currency, Regina had instilled a good money ethic into him. Don’t partake in frivolous spending, save and budget wherever possible, always keep some money aside in case of an emergency. Small things that meant he could be completely dependent. Since he was small she had given him a large sum of pocket money every month and allowed him to spend it as he willed. She urged him not to spend it all on sweets and comics and save a little to buy better things; such as games for the PlayStation she had bought him for Christmas. When he saved up enough for his own school bag she could not have been prouder._

_Inspiration had struck her._  
“Henry,” She called softly, “Could you come here please?” She didn’t want it to sound as though he was in trouble, but he seemed in a pleasant mood as he turned to her with a smile.  
“Sure, Mom,” He replied, pausing his game and moving around the table to stand beside her.  
“What’s up?” He asked, and she smiled at him, warmth and affection radiating from her.  
“Would you mind giving me a hand with these accounts? I’d like to get them done as soon as possible so I can read you a story tonight,” With that in mind she watched his eyes light up with joy.  
“Really, Mom?” He sounded so pleased Regina felt rather proud of herself, and even managed to put her most recent nightmare out of her mind (Henry had forced her to eat the apple she herself had given Snow. When she refused, he said she had to eat it otherwise he would leave her to go and live with Emma)

_She had pulled up a chair and sat him next to her, and had consulted with him over every single account. She even let him stamp the documents once they were completed. He made a drink of coco-cola for them both and they spent the evening laughing and chatting like they might have done months before. Before Emma._

She wondered whether Henry had used as much scorn as Emma had when he had told her of their evening, and felt the sharp stabbing pain in her stomach once more as she thought of her son slipping through her fingers; of his betrayal in her most recent nightmare. _You did this to yourself_. The thought was enough to dissipate her patience completely and she suddenly found herself struggling to maintain composure. To try and calm herself, she thought of the night outside her vault when she had slapped Emma right across her self-righteous face. It was enough to place a slightly washed out smile onto her face.

“Sounds better for him than skipping school. Do you know how much his attendance has suffered from this visit of yours? It’s ruined his perfect record,” She remained completely still as Emma shot her a sceptical look.  
“Yes it’s terrible that he’s _happy_ now,” The Sheriff backfired.  
“He was fine before you arrived, Miss Swan. Besides, happiness won’t get him a job in the future. Nor will malingering. Speaking of which, you really should get back to the station, Sheriff, and do your job,” She had lost count of the amount of times she told Emma to do her job. It was becoming ridiculous. Emma raised her eyebrow, but Regina didn’t give her any time to reply. She walked straight past the infuriating Sheriff and to her car, which was parked across the street.

She didn’t hesitate before driving away, only stopping to breathe and go over the conversation once she had reached her office. She was pretty sure she had beaten Emma, this time. She had been keeping a mental tally of who had come out on top during their back-and-forths, and this time she would consider herself victorious. She let her head fall against the steering wheel as she closed her eyes for a moment and concentrated on regulating her breathing and letting the anger leave her. Her anger was not useful here. In this town she could not use it to fuel her magic, as she once could. It didn’t help her; it hindered her, so she made an effort to contain her annoyance.

Emma wasn’t going to be in their lives much longer, she told herself, eyes scrunched as she wished with every fibre of her being that her statement would come true.


	2. Season 2 Episode 20/21

Wielding magic is like owning an extra limb. Or a tail. You learn to use it to your advantage until it becomes more than a mere skill. It becomes a part of you; it weaves itself into the makeup of your soul.  Everyone’s is different, Regina has learned, and yet somehow the same. Nearly all the magic she has so far encountered presents itself as a taste in the back of her mouth. Mother’s was coppery; a tangy metallic taste like blood. Maleficent’s was smoke, pure and deep like a cigarette. Regina’s is sour, like green apples or sherbet. It somehow incorporates both of her influences- both the hint of petrichor from her mother’s magic and also the syrupy sweet shade of Rumplestiltskin’s. She has grown to love it, the taste being perhaps her favourite attribute these days.

So without it Regina feels strange. That’s just it- at first it’s not entirely unpleasant. Indeed, at first the change was so subtle she hadn’t even noticed it. It felt almost like a subtle headache, but she’d dismissed it as she so often does with minor ailments. Now though, tied up and ‘bagged’ in the back of Greg’s car, it made everything seem surreal. She felt as though she were dreaming, as though none of this was really; and she really wished it wasn’t.

Her instincts prevented her from going down without a fight. Aside from the initial surprise of having a bag thrown over her head she fought well for a small woman who relies on magic far too much. She made a silent promise that she would start going to the gym when she got away from the imbeciles. With three against one, and that one blinded, there was never going to be much of a fight, she knew that. However she has learned how to struggle sufficiently while being bound by her mother’s magic, and it doesn’t escape her notice how at first she was trying to get away from magic and now she yearns for it. She had kicked out and felt quite happy with herself when she heard Hook grunt.

When they finally managed to tie back her wrists Regina found herself frozen to the spot. Immediately thrown back to horrific childhood punishments, she is paralysed with fear and unknowingly complies with her captors. It’s not until she’s bundled into the back of a car and the door slams against her head that she realises the opportune moment for escape has passed. For a moment she attempts to keep track of where they are going despite her blindfold- this is a small town that Regina knows very well- however they’re either taking a difficult route on purpose or she’s simply off her game because she loses her bearings after the third turn. Having deemed escape futile she decides that rather than waste her breath kicking and screaming, she may as well have some fun.

“If this is what Daddy was teaching you maybe it’s a good thing he abandoned you after all!” She hears his sharp intake of breath and it spurs her on, “I guess little Owen had to learn to drive all by himself,” She feels rather than hears him slam the breaks on and she flies forward (sideways) crushing her arm against her side and hitting her head against the window roller of the old fashioned car. It takes her a while to recover before she can continue her taunting.

“He wasn’t much a driver either,” This time Greg lets out an audible groan and it makes her grin behind her bag. “Although he was fast,” She leaves a slight pause before her punchline. “He drove away from you quick enough, didn’t he?”

The laugh she gets in response not only surprises her, it angers her.  Even after she pin’s it as the pirate’s laugh, it still ruins the barb that she had intended to wound with.   
“She doesn’t bloody stop, does she?” He chuckled. Rather than let the opportunity go to waste she decides to step in.  
“Neither did Owen’s father…” With a cringe she thinks of how disappointed Henry would be if he could hear her

It hits her suddenly; Henry. What will happen? Will she ever see him again? She’s no longer afraid of death- she’s already had many more days than she deserves- but she couldn’t leave Henry without saying goodbye. This is the only thought that holds her back as she considers another comment. She’s done enough though, apparently, as when Greg/Owen pulls her out of the car he throws her knees-first on the concrete floor and kicks her while she’s on the floor. The pain barely phases her, and while she doubles up she feels entirely numb. Greg lowers his face so close to his that she can hear his breathing even through the bag.

“Say one more thing about my father I dare you,” The Evil Queen bubbles at the word ‘dare’ and Regina’s opened her mouth before she can collect herself.  
“He needed a haircut,” She taunts and almost regret’s it when Greg aims a right hook to her already bruised ribs.  
“Do you feel that, Your Majesty? Do you feel that pain?” He doesn’t give her a chance to respond before he snarls out “There is much, much worse to come,”

Regina has known pain. She has been beaten and bruised carefully so that it is not visible to others but so she feels it in every step she takes. She has had her heart ripped out and squeezed to within an inch of her life. She has watched her first and only love been killed right in front of her eyes on her accord. She has held her dying mother in her arms and lost her son and killed her father. She has been starved, tortured, humiliated and used. She is ready for whatever they do to her.

Unable to look him in the eye, she tilts her head so he can but imagine her sneer as she whispers; “Bring it,”

* * *

 

 

As it is, he does.

The electric shock is a new kind of pain; unfamiliar to Regina. The sheer amount of energy it takes to absorb all the energy being pumped into her body is exhausting at first. It only becomes worse.

And yet still she doesn’t give in. Her resilience is starting to surprise herself, especially as she watches Greg crank the dial up higher and higher and higher. You can’t prepare yourself for pain; it’s unnatural to the body and therefore cannot simply be accepted. But Regina does her damn best to try. She nearly chews through her lip trying to stop herself from crying out at this new, horrific sensation.

The worst part is the feeling itself has connotations with magic- the familiar sensation flooding through you, filling your veins and energising you from head to toe. Therefore the experience takes what she views as a happy feeling starts to tear her apart, taking her love for magic and twisting it into something terrible.  Yet somehow it makes her yearn for her missing limb; her tail.

This is all she can think of when Snow offers to take the cuff off. She pauses, pulling back her arm out of Snow’s reach on instinct and gripping the cuff tighter than she meant to.  
“N-not quite yet,” She mumbles quietly and she doesn’t miss her stepdaughter’s confused frown.  
“But Regina, surely you can use magic to heal yourself?” Regina frowns. She’s never let on to any _real_ physical pain, which must mean she has scars. True enough she reaches up a hand and feels her skin around her hairline; dry and cracked.  Snow’s frown is still present and Regina is worried she’s going to ask if she’s okay, so she rolls her eyes.  
“Snow, when will you learn that magic is not so simple?” Just this once it is, but Snow doesn’t need to know that.  Mary Margaret, however, doesn’t lose her concerned frown even as she walks away.

Regina doesn’t feel strong enough to handle the return of her magic, despite how much she yearns for it. The feeling of being electrocuted hasn’t fully left her- evident when Snow returns with a cool glass of water. She’s strong enough to be sitting up now, despite protests from the Charmings, and she offers to take the drink off Snow with a muttered thanks. When her fingers enclose around the cool glass her mind flashes back to the hard, cold surface of the table she was strapped to and her body seizes, mimicking her actions on said table. The glass flies to the floor and smashes, spilling glass and water everywhere.  
“Regina!” Snow calls in concern, reaching for her stepmother. Her touch seems to break the mayor out of her stupor, whereby she discovers the mess she’s made.

“Snow, I’m so sorry,” She mutters quietly. She waves her hand automatically to clear up the mess but remembers she can’t and her hand freezes in mid-air, so she can see it’s shaking. She tries to hide it before Snow notices, but it’s too late.  
“Regina, are you okay?” She asks and out of courtesy Regina makes an effort not to roll her eyes or snap back at her.   
“I’m fine. I think you’d better take the cuff off, dear,” she replies quietly. She sees David in the distance approaching with a dustpan and brush in hand and she holds him back. She made this mess and she intends to clear it.

When the cuff is off the magic fills her in the same manner as the electricity did- and while she is prepared enough to stop herself spasming she can’t help but freeze; her entire body rigid ad tense as she allows herself time to adjust.  She hears the Charmings talking to her in- concern laced through their voices- but it takes her a moment to swallow, gather her breath, and respond. She assures them that she’s fine and tests her magic, letting it gather in the palm of her hands and rubbing it over her fingers. She feels unstable about it; she’s worried about how much control she actually has. When the magic in one palm sparks without her meaning to and she draws up her hand with a gasp she decides that it’s not safe for her to heal her real wounds yet, however she allows the magic making its way around her body to ease her aching and pain.

She sat up a little straighter and realised she owed it to the Charmings to clean up the broken glass on the floor. She puts all her energy and focus into bringing the bits of glass scattered around the floorboards and reforming the original, refilling it with the spilled water. When the puff of purple smoke clears the glass is laid, perfect in Snow’s hand and Regina is quite proud of herself, that she managed to pull it together and use this level of magic so early in her recovery.

She tries not to feel too disappointed when the glass turns entirely to liquid in Snow’s hand and she promptly passes out.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to rationalise Regina's 'Evil'. Henry at first acts as though she's a bad mother, but later on in the seasons claimed she was actually very good. I wanted to help find the balance. Please leave feedback!


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